This session goes back the topic of relationship and moves on to the topic of self-esteem.
How can we cope with conflict in relationship?

• Asking positive question – What am I grateful for in my partner?
• Asking positive question – What is wonderful about our relationship? What’s working?
• Communicating about positive events (win-win)

When Tal talked about a feeling of “low self-esteem” and “punish by success”, I was surprised that I had the exact feeling before! However, I never really quested why because I thought I have a high level of requirements for myself. This session is so important for me to understand it.
Like happiness, we shouldn’t ask the question “Am I happy or unhappy?”, we should ask “How can I become happier?” Self-esteem is often misunderstood. The question we should ask is not “Do I have high or low self-esteem?” but rather “How can I enhance my self-esteem?”
Self-esteem is defined by Nathaniel Branden as “the disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness.” Both competency and worthiness are essential in self-esteem.
Self-esteem is not a product of empty reinforcement. Only praise no matter what to children won’t help their self-esteem in a long run. It actually reduces their motivation to work, makes them unrealistic, and makes them less happy than they potentially could have been.
Pseudo self-esteem is the pretence of self-efficacy and self-respect without the reality.
Self-esteem is founded in the reality, in actual performance, actual success, in actual practices. It’s a product of hard work.
Self-esteem is not associated with success, not associated with social status, and not associated with money. Tal has done in-depth research on the paradox of self-esteem based on Jane Loevinger’s work and presented an epigenetic model as following:

1. The first level of self-esteem – dependent self-esteem
2. The second level of self-esteem – independent self-esteem, not contingent on others
3. The third – sense of self

​Everyone has some dependent self-esteem, some components of independent self-esteem, and some components of unconditional self-esteem. The question is of degree and the model is epigenetic.

• Sometimes people who associate too much self-esteem are arrogance, conceit, and narcissism.​

• Ralph Waldo Emerson’s article on friendship in 1841.
• Robert M. Pirsig’s book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry into Values
• Shelly Gable – positive psychology and relationship
• Jane Elsner, Barbara Heilman and Amanda Horn –  2×2 matrices of communication and relationship: passive active; destructive  constructive
• Albert Bandura, Germain Duclos, Stanley Coopersmith, Nathaniel Branden – definition of self-esteem
• John Carlton – two important character of the most successful people: asking questions and believe themselves.
• Daniel Goleman – emotional intelligence
• Nathaniel Branden – self-esteem anxiety, six practices for the cultivation of self-esteem (integrity, conscious, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, purpose)
• Richard L. Bednar and Scott R. Peterson – self-esteem as a core of underlying course, paradox of self-esteem
• Roy Baumeister – self-esteem and narcissism
• William James, Charles Cooley, George Mead – dependent self-esteem
• Nathaniel Branden, Abranham Maslow, Carl Rogers – independent self-esteem
• Maltimore Devano – dependent self-esteem
• David Schnarch, Abranham Maslow – unconditional self-esteem

This session continues on the topic of self-esteem.
It is nature that we all have some components of the three self-esteem types. If we want to completely get ride of the dependent self-esteem, we actually are fighting with nature. It does take time to reach the third level self-esteem.
Why do we need to study independent self-esteem? Because it brings benefits as below:

• better moral behaviours
• better cognitive performance
• higher level of happiness

Self-esteem is simply an attitude. It’s the attitude I have toward to the self. 
In relation to the ABC change model (Affect, Behaviour, Cognition), changing Behaviour is the most effective approach to change.
How do we enhance self-esteem?

• behave like those people who are having high independent self-esteem. It’s important for us to have a role model, change behaviour and over time achieve the attitude.
• pursue the things that you are interested in and have the experience of flowing.
• take action
• humble behaviour
• have time to reflect on ourselves
• integrity exercise – journalling, ask yourself “Am I just say thing to be impressed rather than to be authentic? Am I having the little lies?”​

• Warren Bennis – leadership, “I was not always this way.“
• Abranham Maslow – I couldn’t find people who were below the age of 45 were self-actualised. Even self-actualised people still have dependent self-esteem and independent self-esteem.
• David Schnarch – studied how it’s in 50s and 60s that the individuals become differentiated and where the highest potential for passion is within a relationship.
• Michael H. Kernis – 1995, stated the concept of self-esteem stability. People with low stable self-esteem were more likely to be hostile; people with more stable self-esteem were more likely to be generous and benevolent.
• Tal’s research found that dependent self-esteem is highly correlated to instability of self-esteem and independent self-esteem is highly correlated to stability of self-esteem. He also found that narcissism is connected actually to high dependent self-esteem. High independent self-esteem people are more likely to be generous and benevolent.
• Daniel Gilbert’s work on cognitive dizziness
• Tim Kasser’s work on time affluence
• Stanley Milgram’s experiment (Milgram experiment) – 63% of percentages of participants went above 350 volt, which is beyond the level where the person was not even heard any more.
• George Loewenstein coined the concept hot-cold empathy gap
• Nathaniel Branden – integrity and to be honest to yourself
• Bella DePaulo’s research on lying and her research shows that basically everyone lies. People lie in average 3 times a day.
• Melissa Christino wrote in her thesis “Your true potential lies way way down in the depths of your soul, in the pit of your stomach, past your knowledge, beyond your nervousness, and buried under your fears and anxieties.”As hidden as it may be, it is still there I know it’s there because I felt it before and I know it’s there in others too because I seen others perform miracles. There is a faint glow of unparalleled potential in all of us and when we find it – it shines.”

This is the last session of the Harvard Open Course 1504. It’s a summary of the whole course and a wonderful and touching collection of random students’ personal reflection from this course.
Write down two things that are particularly personally meaningful and/or interesting for you.
My immediate thought:

• Allow ourselves to be human
• Grateful, appreciation
• ABCs – Affect, Behaviour, Cognition
• 3Ms – Magnify, Minimising, Making up
• 3 Rules in a relationship

Write down two commitments or behaviour changes you make.
My immediate thought:

• Do more exercise – cycling every day
• Write down gratefulness every day

Courage is not about without fear, it’s about having fear but still go ahead.
Happiness is the ultimate currency. It’s not about having a high versus low expectations, it’s about having right versus wrong expectations.
The core of change is to introduce behaviour change now.

• Carl Rogers said “what is the most personal is the most general.”
• Oliver Wendell Holmes – simplicity and complexity
• Peter Drucker said “Don’t call me to tell me how wonderful it was. Call me and tell me what you are doing differently.”​

Source: 5minsbreak.wordpress.com/tag/harvard-open-courses-1504/